Wednesday, August 21, 2013
De Ja Vue...should only be on good things..IMO!
2yrs ago this week, my daughter Makayla started complaining of random problems, nausea, chest pain, headaches...but never any symptoms to raise the red flag of "time to go to the dr." this went on for 2 wks...I thought it was due to the heat, we were outside at cheer practice 5 days a week 2hrs a night...I pushed water like a mad woman, let her rest when she complained..but didnt want to be to easy on her..want her to be strong! Wow! if i had only known that her sugars were over 500!!That diagnosis came labor day weekend (actually 9-6-11) she really was not her self over that holiday...now 2yrs later, 1yr on the pump, the past 2 days she has been complaining of the same stuff..and of course we are in pop warner again..cheer 2 hrs a night, outside. She is home from school today for the 2 day in a row, sugars are high, ketones come and go, GERD is really acting up. Fluids,insulin,rest, TUMS and lots of love...what else can I do? nothing. Why cant I get the stupid fear out of the back of my mind to shut up? I keep hearing it say..."what if something ELSE is wrong?" UGH!!! SHUT UP ALREADY! nothing else is wrong..she is a 13yr old girl who stresses out (like her mom), has Type 1 diabetes, wants to do great in school (which just started 8th grade)loves to cheer and really wants the captain position (which is a voted spot by her peers)...GEEZ! I would be stressed out to! We are in the process of getting her a D.A.D. (DIABETIC ALERT DOG) so the waiting and eval process is stressful and exciting to her at the same time. All of this plays havoc with her blood sugars, which effects how she feels. I really wish I could just stop the train and let her get off of it, take a breather from all of the stress....it isnt right to hear your 13yr old cry that her heart hurts! GERD and stress caused it. i want to blog about the good and happy times next...reading this is making ME sad..blah!
Chow folks, till next time.
Thursday, July 25, 2013
Monday, April 23, 2012
Spirits screaming in the night!
I haven't blogged in a while, been kinda crazy busy.
I miss spilling my guts out though...its kinda therapeutic.
So what prompted this particular blog...Makayla did.
Last night after she went to bed, i was playing words with friends on my phone and it was late.
I heard her scream "mooooommmmm"...i waited a second...nothing else, i must be hearing things.
then a few seconds later.."mmooooooooooooooommmm!" i flew out of bed went to her room, only to find her sound asleep.
I whispered (so not to scare her) "Makayla, you OK?" no answer. I shook her gently...MJ you asleep? she rolls her eyes open with difficulty,"what? whats wrong?" i asked, "did you scream for me?"..."umm no, i was asleep". Then she lifts her head up and says, "mom, my legs are numb",WHAT??"mom, they are cold and tingly" i said, "maybe you were laying on them wrong", she says "mom, i was laying on my side, just like when you woke me up."
then she says see needs to check her sugars, somethings wrong.BS=46. at 12:30am...46! just 2hrs ago she was 216.
ok, treat and check, treat and check...finally..126. We talked about who screamed for me..it wasnt her. It was her guardian angels. We believe they are Grandpa R. and Grandma N. Makayla says papa knew her sugars were low and that she needed me. I know that God is always watching over her. Chris says it was a "quickening of the spirit"..what ever it was, I am so grateful they screamed for me...and NO it was not the neighbors or anything outside, it was with out a doubt, in my bedroom and hall that the call came from.
but the emotion that stirs within me is not "who or what" screamed..but WHAT IF I did not hear anything??
That's what Makayla asked me, with tears streaming down her face as we tried to settle back down to go to sleep.
What if i had not come in to wake her? would she have died? I don't know. I don't have that answer and to even have to contemplate that is so frightening.All I know is that we are not alone. Christ is with us, even when we sleep.
I have to believe that as long as i listen with my heart and soul, I will hear HIM when ever i need to. When ever SHE needs me to. DIABETES SUCKS BIG FAT DONKEY BALLS AND I HATE IT!!!!!!!sleep is not something i do well. Makayla fell asleep while i was holding her. I laid there, praying, staring, crying and every time i dozed off, I woke with a startle to every movement and sound. Will this ever get easier?? Well after talking with our fabulous diabetes coach..I dont think so, its a forever changing animal, always different, unpredictable like a rabid dog and even more dangerous. BUT we will have good days, times when things are going smooth and we will appreciate those days like no other! and as for the rest...we will take them one day at a time and do it hand in hand with Christ and all those family and friends who love us and support us. Its an emotional, physical and spiritual roller coaster, unfortunately we are tied to this ride and cant get off. Christ never said life would be easy..just that we would never be alone.
I love my little girl, she amazes me..she is strong and brave and loving. She is my hero, for facing her giant EVERYDAY, and most those days with a giggle and a smile! I can learn alot from her.
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Friday, September 23, 2011
The face of Faith
September 6th ,2011 at 10:05am I saw a number that would change our lives forever.559.
I said under my breathe,No F***ing way!!!! NOT MY BABY! NOOOO. I left the exam room in a quick but calm manner,telling my 11yr old daughter that I needed to make a call to cancel a meeting and I would be right back. I got to the end of a very short hall, walked into what i believe was the employee break room and lost it. I called my husband Chris to tell him to meet us at Phoenix children's hospital,our baby's sugar level was 559 and we had to take her to the ER.Type 1 diabetes.incurable,for now.insulin daily, forever. Oh God, please.NO!
The car ride to PCH with just me and Makayla was so hard. I didnt want to cry in front of her, I knew she was so scared already. we held hands as I drove, we listened to KLOVE radio and Makayla rubbed my hand and said "Im gonna be ok mommy, God has a plan". I dont know what was harder, hearing my baby speak a stronger faith then I felt or not being able to hold her and drive at the same time.I could no longer contain my emotions, we cried together, then she says "Im so scared mom, i mean im REALLY scared, but I know God has a plan, I just dont know WHAT it is." Unless you experience this type of life change, I dont think you will ever understand how your heart shatters yet remains. I hurt every time I look into her eyes, knowing that I can never make it all better. I cant make this go away. Right now it hurts to breathe as i type. the raw emotion of sharing this with you is so painful.
Yet, at the same time, I can hear her in the next room, just enjoying the moments she lives in and feels good in, with her friend, as they giggle and talk. WHY?WHY!!?? I DONT KNOW WHY! and neither does ANY ONE ELSE. except for GOD. HE IS IN CONTROL. I must tell myself every moment,daily...that GOD IS IN CONTROL, and HE loves MAkayla more than even I do. So much is going on in our lives, it feels all so overwhelming some days.I used to be able to day dream about goals, and the future..but right now all i can do is live in the moment, and praise God for that.
there is a song that Makayla and I sing together often, its by Matthew West-STRONG ENOUGH.
we believe this with all our hearts. some days are harder then others, but still somedays are AMAZING..because my daughter, who BELIEVES AND HAS THE FAITH OF A CHILD, IS STRONGER THAN ME.I know she CAN grow up, grow old and be ANYTHING she sets her mind to be..if that is Gods plan. I must have faith that that IS HIS PLAN.
Chris's dad is in the hospital right now, silently suffering, im sure crying inside.
He also has Type 1 DM, and just had his toes amputated, his kidneys are failing and now they are talking a higher amputation.Its all to much for us to handle...alone.
I know Im not strong enough.Lord RIGHT NOW, Im asking you to be strong enough for ALL OF US!
Makayla's entrance into this world was a difficult one, she was a surprise, A GIFT and I KNEW God sent her for something special, a reason and journey only she could complete. I must never let go of that belief. I love my daughter more than I can put in words. My cup over flows with the love of my children that God has blessed me with and the love of my husband,who is my rock, my love. SO many things look different to me now. I suspect everything will be different now. I just might bend, but I wont BREAK! http://youtu.be/MmUDDxflt6o
CHOW!!
I said under my breathe,No F***ing way!!!! NOT MY BABY! NOOOO. I left the exam room in a quick but calm manner,telling my 11yr old daughter that I needed to make a call to cancel a meeting and I would be right back. I got to the end of a very short hall, walked into what i believe was the employee break room and lost it. I called my husband Chris to tell him to meet us at Phoenix children's hospital,our baby's sugar level was 559 and we had to take her to the ER.Type 1 diabetes.incurable,for now.insulin daily, forever. Oh God, please.NO!
The car ride to PCH with just me and Makayla was so hard. I didnt want to cry in front of her, I knew she was so scared already. we held hands as I drove, we listened to KLOVE radio and Makayla rubbed my hand and said "Im gonna be ok mommy, God has a plan". I dont know what was harder, hearing my baby speak a stronger faith then I felt or not being able to hold her and drive at the same time.I could no longer contain my emotions, we cried together, then she says "Im so scared mom, i mean im REALLY scared, but I know God has a plan, I just dont know WHAT it is." Unless you experience this type of life change, I dont think you will ever understand how your heart shatters yet remains. I hurt every time I look into her eyes, knowing that I can never make it all better. I cant make this go away. Right now it hurts to breathe as i type. the raw emotion of sharing this with you is so painful.
Yet, at the same time, I can hear her in the next room, just enjoying the moments she lives in and feels good in, with her friend, as they giggle and talk. WHY?WHY!!?? I DONT KNOW WHY! and neither does ANY ONE ELSE. except for GOD. HE IS IN CONTROL. I must tell myself every moment,daily...that GOD IS IN CONTROL, and HE loves MAkayla more than even I do. So much is going on in our lives, it feels all so overwhelming some days.I used to be able to day dream about goals, and the future..but right now all i can do is live in the moment, and praise God for that.
there is a song that Makayla and I sing together often, its by Matthew West-STRONG ENOUGH.
we believe this with all our hearts. some days are harder then others, but still somedays are AMAZING..because my daughter, who BELIEVES AND HAS THE FAITH OF A CHILD, IS STRONGER THAN ME.I know she CAN grow up, grow old and be ANYTHING she sets her mind to be..if that is Gods plan. I must have faith that that IS HIS PLAN.
Chris's dad is in the hospital right now, silently suffering, im sure crying inside.
He also has Type 1 DM, and just had his toes amputated, his kidneys are failing and now they are talking a higher amputation.Its all to much for us to handle...alone.
I know Im not strong enough.Lord RIGHT NOW, Im asking you to be strong enough for ALL OF US!
CHOW!!
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Back to the basics.
BASICS... what are they?? I think that a lot of us have been so spoiled with modern conveniences that we dont even know what "basics" are anymore. If you can afford to have the conveniences in life, why worry about?..I will tell you why, because conveniences are not always a guarantee. One day they are there and the next..gone.
Some people dont even BLINK at the cable/satellite bill they get every month. Others dont think twice about the fact that they have multiple cars in the family drive.
But the truth is, those are luxuries, blessings,CONVENIENCES!!
As for us, well, we are gonna search the basics..stretch out from our comfort zone..try living a bit different then we have been.
So, if I seem a bit busier then normal, its because I am (THANK GOD) which allows me to NOT miss the TV (to much). BUT I MUST REMEMBER that in the hustle and bustle of life's never ending changes, one thing will always remain constant..CHRIST!! my focus and salvation, and my family, who needs me and my attention just as much as they always have.I need them as well. Wish us luck(actually, just pray for us!) Chris just reminded me of what "luck" really is..its when the road of preparation and the road of opportunity meet.So, Pray that as we buckle down (PREPARE) and focus on new things (OPPORTUNITY), that the things of constant (CHRIST,FAMILY AND FRIENDS) are not over looked or ignored.
CHOW MY FRIENDS, i hope to talk to you soon!!
Some people dont even BLINK at the cable/satellite bill they get every month. Others dont think twice about the fact that they have multiple cars in the family drive.
But the truth is, those are luxuries, blessings,CONVENIENCES!!
As for us, well, we are gonna search the basics..stretch out from our comfort zone..try living a bit different then we have been.
So, if I seem a bit busier then normal, its because I am (THANK GOD) which allows me to NOT miss the TV (to much). BUT I MUST REMEMBER that in the hustle and bustle of life's never ending changes, one thing will always remain constant..CHRIST!! my focus and salvation, and my family, who needs me and my attention just as much as they always have.I need them as well. Wish us luck(actually, just pray for us!) Chris just reminded me of what "luck" really is..its when the road of preparation and the road of opportunity meet.So, Pray that as we buckle down (PREPARE) and focus on new things (OPPORTUNITY), that the things of constant (CHRIST,FAMILY AND FRIENDS) are not over looked or ignored.
CHOW MY FRIENDS, i hope to talk to you soon!!
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
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