I said under my breathe,No F***ing way!!!! NOT MY BABY! NOOOO. I left the exam room in a quick but calm manner,telling my 11yr old daughter that I needed to make a call to cancel a meeting and I would be right back. I got to the end of a very short hall, walked into what i believe was the employee break room and lost it. I called my husband Chris to tell him to meet us at Phoenix children's hospital,our baby's sugar level was 559 and we had to take her to the ER.Type 1 diabetes.incurable,for now.insulin daily, forever. Oh God, please.NO!
The car ride to PCH with just me and Makayla was so hard. I didnt want to cry in front of her, I knew she was so scared already. we held hands as I drove, we listened to KLOVE radio and Makayla rubbed my hand and said "Im gonna be ok mommy, God has a plan". I dont know what was harder, hearing my baby speak a stronger faith then I felt or not being able to hold her and drive at the same time.I could no longer contain my emotions, we cried together, then she says "Im so scared mom, i mean im REALLY scared, but I know God has a plan, I just dont know WHAT it is." Unless you experience this type of life change, I dont think you will ever understand how your heart shatters yet remains. I hurt every time I look into her eyes, knowing that I can never make it all better. I cant make this go away. Right now it hurts to breathe as i type. the raw emotion of sharing this with you is so painful.
Yet, at the same time, I can hear her in the next room, just enjoying the moments she lives in and feels good in, with her friend, as they giggle and talk. WHY?WHY!!?? I DONT KNOW WHY! and neither does ANY ONE ELSE. except for GOD. HE IS IN CONTROL. I must tell myself every moment,daily...that GOD IS IN CONTROL, and HE loves MAkayla more than even I do. So much is going on in our lives, it feels all so overwhelming some days.I used to be able to day dream about goals, and the future..but right now all i can do is live in the moment, and praise God for that.
there is a song that Makayla and I sing together often, its by Matthew West-STRONG ENOUGH.
we believe this with all our hearts. some days are harder then others, but still somedays are AMAZING..because my daughter, who BELIEVES AND HAS THE FAITH OF A CHILD, IS STRONGER THAN ME.I know she CAN grow up, grow old and be ANYTHING she sets her mind to be..if that is Gods plan. I must have faith that that IS HIS PLAN.
Chris's dad is in the hospital right now, silently suffering, im sure crying inside.
He also has Type 1 DM, and just had his toes amputated, his kidneys are failing and now they are talking a higher amputation.Its all to much for us to handle...alone.
I know Im not strong enough.Lord RIGHT NOW, Im asking you to be strong enough for ALL OF US!
CHOW!!
